Vic Mensa revealed he first experienced suicidal thoughts at age five after finding a childhood notebook filled with self-hate.
Vic Mensa revealed in a raw and emotional interview that he first wrestled with suicidal thoughts at just five years old after discovering a childhood notebook filled with self-hate and despair.
Speaking with Jason Lee on Hollywood Unlocked, the Chicago rapper opened up about the early roots of his mental health struggles when asked why he was “so edgy and reactive” during his rise in the Hip-Hop scene.
Mensa said a recent discovery of a first-grade notebook helped him understand the depth of his pain.
“Being five years old and being depressed,” he replied. “I found this notebook from when I was in first grade, and it was full of regular childhood messages, like ‘no girls allowed’ on the cover. And then I get halfway in, and it’s like, ‘I hate myself.’ ‘I hate myself.’ ‘I want to kill myself.’ And this is five, six years old.”
The 31-year-old artist said the discovery gave him clarity about his lifelong battle with depression.
“That gave me so much grace for myself and so much perspective because it was like, okay, that seed of, like, malcontent, self-loathing, existed from a very young age.”
Mensa, who has long been open about his mental health, also reflected on the emotional toll of being a Black man in America and how fame can magnify that pressure.
“You just walk around in anger all the time, and with time, though, I realized that I can’t heal myself or heal the world if I’m living in anger all the time. Not that there aren’t things to be angry about, but maybe it’s not my burden to bear, to be like upset with the world, mad at the world. If I can’t appreciate all the blessings that I have in this life, then you know, what’s the f###### point of even living.”
Outside of music, Vic Mensa continues his acting work on Showtime’s The Chi, where he plays Jamal.
New episodes air Fridays on Paramount+ and Sundays at 9 p.m. EST on Showtime.
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